You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Randomize
