the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
