First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
