I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
