woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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