we're chasing vodka with high fives
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Randomize
