why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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