the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
