i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I think weed is turning my hair brown
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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