You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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