strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
