She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
