dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
