at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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