You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize