Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
