Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Randomize
