the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
