That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry my hands just texted you
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
