I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Randomize
