Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
