the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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