I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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