somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
