Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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