We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
