I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
my poor anus
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
