I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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