lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
