I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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