Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
time to smoke my breakfast
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
