When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
He felt like a one man threesome
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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