dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
