you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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