yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
