Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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