You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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