It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
