Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Randomize