Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
