I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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