we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
