Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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