I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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