i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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