Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
