ADVERTISEMENT

• (914): View more from New York

  I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.

  Fav 20 3836 875

  share tweet
  

• (530): View more from California

  Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.

  Fav 12 1184 3261

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (914): View more from New York

  all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is

  Fav 6 6323 1098

  share tweet
  

• (816): View more from Missouri

  i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.

  Fav 1 1382 3221

  share tweet
  

• (919): View more from North Carolina

  Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.

  Fav 10 2505 981

  share tweet
  

• (952): View more from Minnesota

  First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.

  Fav 1 1285 629

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (434): View more from Virginia

  My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.

  Fav 8 1509 727

  share tweet
  

• (631): View more from New York

  I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever

  Fav 22 3607 892

  share tweet
  

• (424): View more from California

  The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "

  Fav 8 3529 910

  share tweet
  

• (479): View more from Arkansas

  The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.

  Fav 7 1443 593

  share tweet
  

• (506): View more from New Brunswick

  I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority

  Fav 4 1046 562

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (612): View more from Minnesota

  We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us

  Fav 4 295 175

  share tweet
  

• (786): View more from Florida

  I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.

  Fav 0 35 17

  share tweet
  

• (386): View more from Florida

  Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.

  Fav 0 22 21

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (763): View more from Minnesota

  hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.

  Fav 0 70 18

  share tweet
  

Randomize