Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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