Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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