I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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