so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
