I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
