i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
