Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
