I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
