I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
