I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
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