I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
