The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
