I got chris browned last night
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
