Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
